Part Thirteen

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART Thirteen

I wish that once we started dating that everything was rainbows and butterflies but that was not the case.

Don't misunderstand, there was nothing major, just things that had to be worked out like in any relationship. 

I would say though that our difficulties were a little...different.

You see, we had already dated once before, and we had been more or less friends for the entire time we were broken up. It's not like we were venturing into something new and different.

Within two or three days of starting this relationship we were already talking about marriage. While most people would freak out if two or three days into dating the 'M' subject came up...but not us. 

We knew going in that if we tried dating then it was to get married.

Well, I knew for sure. 

Benje wasn't so sure. 

He was waiting for some big sign to come and tell him to marry me.

 

I told him that not every story has those kinds of endings, that often marriage is a choice. 

He agreed, but asked for some time anyway.

I was alright with that, at least he didn't break up with me. 

Turns out he only needed three months. 

(I was actually expecting longer considering how long it took for the two of us to get back together)

We were driving to his sister's house because Benje's mother was in town for Thanksgiving.

We had now know each other for three years, been together for just over a third of that time, been best friends for another third, and everything around and in-between those two for the last third. 

On the way to his sister's we passed by the Riverwoods Shops in Provo. They had all their Christmas lights on the trees already and it looked so beautiful. I pointed it out to Benje mentioned we should go there sometime. 

the trees at riverwoods were significantly cooler than my attempt at illustrating one

We arrived and visited for a while, and on our way home Benje suddenly turned into the Riverwoods saying we should look at the lights now. 

I only halfheartedly protested...I had a feeling something was going on. 

We walked around for a while. Sometimes we would stop somewhere, like at the big Christmas tree, or at one of the fire pits, but Benje would look around and then suddenly start walking again. 

I really knew something was going to happen. I tried to act like I didn't know it, but I became nervous and when I am nervous I talk...a lot.

I could hear myself babbling away and kept trying to tell myself to STOP! But turns out when Benje gets nervous he does the exact opposite of me:

silence.

And because he was saying nothing I had to say something... 

So I kept talking. 

Eventually we walked the all the way down and we were on our way back when Benje pulled me into this little Santa house thing. It was late so there was no one inside wanting to sit on Santa's lap but there was a fireplace and a big pretty Christmas tree.

Benje asked me to close my eyes. Which I did while doing my best to keep my mouth closed as well.

When I he told me to open my eyes he was there on one knee with a ring in hand and he asked me to marry him.

I was so excited I started giggling and jumped over to hug him. 

"So, what's your answer?" he asked me.

"Sorry," I pushed him back down on one knee and backed up. "Yes!" And I jumped back over to him. 

7 months later we were married.

PS. Benje picked out the ring himself. I had nothing to do with it and, in fact, I didn't even know he had it because he actually bought that ring a year and a half-ish previously. Right after he became temple worthy and before I left home for the summer to have surgery. 

But then we broke up that summer...

 

Part Twelve

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART twelve

Over the next few days I did not stick to my resolve to never see Benje again. But I did keep my distance from him. When we watched a movie I sat on the other side of the couch, when we worked together I acted like he was my co-worker not my friend, and when he was at my apartment when I got home from work I would say 'hello' and only socialize politely. 

After him begging me not to leave him, it felt too heartless for me to cut him out of my life completely. 

At least not right away.

I planned on slowly separating myself from him.

I figured if there was someone you counted on to do everything with you and for you that suddenly didn't do everything with you and for you that you wouldn't want to keep hanging around them. 

And I was still hurt.

Interestingly, for those first few days even though I acted somewhat aloof to Benje he started being nicer to me than he had in a long time. And I don't know if he figured out what I was doing or if he just wanted to give me space but he let me keep my distance. He would not push me to go out and do things with him, he didn't complain that we didn't joke and tease like we did, and he didn't question my desire to always sit opposite of him.  

All things that he would not have done in the past. 

Whatever the reason, I was happy knowing that I could soon get Benje out of my life. Yes, there were still strong feelings of love there, but it was worth the terrible heartache.

However, this plan only happened for five days.

We had just finished watching a movie at Benje's apartment and I got up to leave. Benje stopped me and pulled me into a hug. He hadn't actually hugged me since the night he got arrested. When I stepped back to go he held onto my shoulders and I recognized the look on his face. I had seen it before many times.

He wanted to kiss me.

My heart suddenly started beating very quickly.

I wanted to kiss him, but I also really, really, really didn't want to.

It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like much longer. Before I could decide what to do, Benje kissed me. 

I knew then exactly what I wanted. I felt the familiar ache in my chest and I stepped away from him. 

"No," I said, "it doesn't mean anything."

Not wanting to explain further, I turned to leave. But Benje stopped me asking me to sit down and talk with him.

I tried to sit opposite of him like usual, but he moved immediately to sit next to me. 

He told me he had been an idiot, and that he was glad that he got arrested so he could figure that out. He had been so scared that because of his idiocy, he had lost me forever, which is why he begged me not to leave him that night. He was afraid that if I got out of his sight he would never see me again. 

He said he wanted to try again. 

We talked for a few more hours into the night. It had been a year and two months since we broke up and by the end of of our long talk, Benje and I were dating again. 

Part Eleven

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART eleven

So Benje asks me to come bail him out.
And, if I would be willingly to do that, the girl that we had walked home a few hours previously was coming to pick me up.

As I am stumbling out of bed (and I slept on the top bunk of a bunk bed at this time so trying to get out of it at 2:30am while on the phone without waking my roommate was quite a feat), I had a couple thoughts run through my mind:

First: WHAT?!

Second: Why was that girl coming to get me? Was she with him when he got arrested?

Well, the girl came, I got out the money and we went to the police station.

On the way there she told me what happened:

After Benje and I had dropped off this girl at her apartment and I went home, Benje went back and the two of them drove to a nearby park.
When they got back to the car, there were a couple of policemen sitting on it waiting.
They had randomly been running plates on the cars that were parked at the park oh so late at night and when they ran Benje's plates they found there was a warrant out for his arrest.

You see, there's this funny thing that if a person doesn't pay off a ticket after a certain amount of time, there is a warrant put out for his or her arrest.

Benje had a ticket that he never paid.
Cops arrested him.

And here we were, going to get him out.

I tried so hard not to ask the next question. It really wasn't important at that moment, I mean, Benje had just been arrested...but I felt like this question was trying to claw its way out of my mouth.

So I ended up asking anyway:
"what were you two doing at the park?"
She quickly responded, "nothing! We were just talking."

I could tell that I was beginning to blush and I felt like I had to explain myself.
"I only ask because...well...I really, really like Benje, and I know that this is not the time for jealousy, but I am...a little. I'm sorry."

Luckily, it was 2:30 in the morning, so I assumed my now-even-brighter-blush was difficult to see.

Well, this girl told me she knew about my feelings for Benje. In fact, he had told her about it at the park.
She paused and looked at me, "would you like me to just tell you or...?"

I knew what she was asking, and even though I knew the truth would hurt more than it had in times past, I also knew that it would be best to hear it with no sugar-coating and stop myself from finding 'hope' in places that it did not exist.

I asked her to tell me (with no sugar-coating), and she did:
"Benje knows how much you like him and told me that he will never get back together with you."

This was worse than the blender.
It was more like:

At least with the blender it gets done and over with quickly.
It's a wonder I made it to the police station.

When we got there, Benje was smiling and happy and thought it was the funniest thing that he had been arrested.
I was silly enough to be concerned that he might be...well, I don't know, upset or worried or...something! I was not expecting to see him sitting there in handcuffs smiling.

I paid the money, and as soon as they let him go I asked if he was alright. He laughed and asked why I didn't think it was funny.
I gave him his car keys and left.
 He tried to follow me but I told him I just wanted to walk home and that he had better take the girl home.

As I walked I cried.
I never wanted to see Benje again. I was so hurt and felt so used and betrayed.
He said he felt like we were going to be in each other's lives for a long time, that he wanted me in his life, even when he knew how much I was still in love with him and how much it pained me.
And even though he had already told me what he had told this girl (that he did not want to get back together with me), he was still wanting to cuddle and kiss and act like I was something more than a friend.
And now, in the middle of the night I had come for him, with a lot of money, to bail him out.

No more.

As I walked it finally hit me how stupid I had been acting. To keep hoping that Benje would come around and start to like me again.

Had the past year taught me nothing? Why was I even bothering to hang on to a guy who made me feel so much pain?

I felt my phone in my pocket start to vibrate. I knew it was Benje calling me, trying to find me. I had seen his car pass a couple times, but I hid because I did not want him to find me.

I still don't know why, but after about 10 minutes of him calling, I answered my phone.
I wish there was an explanation like "I had a feeling..." or "I started to get scared alone on the street at 3am..."

But no.

I really have not a clue as to why I answered.

He pulled over and I got in. Benje immediately reached for my hand but I yanked it away.

He parked and I all but jumped out to get to my apartment.

Benje followed me and firmly put his arm around my shoulders slowing me down. I slowed but I also tried to push him away. He asked me why I was trying to get away from him.

"It hurts." I said, "it hurts too much."

I didn't know how to explain any better the broken, stabbing sensation I felt in my heart when he put his arm around me.

Benje stepped in front of me, and put is hands on my shoulders, holding me in place.

"Please," he begged, "don't leave me."

"It hurts too much." I repeated, shaking my head and trying to break free of him.

But he held on tighter, "I need you, please, don't leave me."

I gave up and numbly nodded my head. I was hurt and angry, but somewhere in the pieces of my shattered heart, I still loved him.

He didn't let go of my hand the rest of the night.
When he started to go to sleep, I got up to get a blanket for him, but he suddenly sat up and said again, "don't leave me." I told him I was just going to get a blanket and he asked, "you're coming back, right?"
And when I was certain he was asleep, I moved my hand away so I could go get some sleep. He immediately woke up and searched for my hand.

In the morning when I had to go to work (it was his day off), he made me promise to come back.

And when I was off, Benje was still there, waiting for me.

Part Ten

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART ten

After those few months Benje and I switched suddenly from 'best friends,' to 'friends with benefits.' He would want to cuddle during a movie, or randomly kiss me, or put his arm around me, or hold my hand. And the crazy stalker-girl inside of me hoped that these sporadic moments of kissing or cuddling or hand holding might actually mean something.


It was a little bit torturous. And because of it I became frequently, however secretly, angry at Benje.

But there were a couple times that it was not so secret.

The first time, I was calm and asked if I could talk to him about something that was bothering me.
I asked him if all this 'friends with benefits' thing was going anywhere.
And then he told me that he was sorry he was doing those things because he was not interested in me and he didn't see us ever getting back together.
However he also told me that he did want to continue to be friends with me and that he was certain that we were supposed to be in each other's lives for a very long time.

Can you believe that that didn't make me feel much better?

The second time the anger burst out of me before I was able to calm it down.


 Just weeks after he told me that he was not interested in me and that we were never getting back together, he snuggled up and kissed me.

(In case you're wondering, yes, I kissed him back but I was very interested in him...It was hard to resist...)

I ended up storming out of his apartment. Which, by how he had been treating me, was probably the right thing to do.
However, I didn't even make it home before I felt bad for being mean and I turned around and went back.
And remember, he just lived across the street from me, I really hadn't gone far.

When I got back, there was a crying girl in his apartment.
Turns out earlier in the week Benje had found her crying in his apartment's parking lot and had helped her out. Benje had told her that he would help whenever she needed it.
Which she just happened to need help that night.
Benje invited me in, he felt that I might be able to offer some words of comfort to her.
I sat down and we all talked for a while, and soon she was beginning to feel better. Then Benje wanted to walk her home. I asked to come with but Benje was very hesitant. I said I wanted to talk to him and so all three of us walked to her place.
On the walk back I apologized to Benje. Even though I felt justified in being angry, that doesn't mean I should treat him badly.
He apologized too, walked me home, and I went to bed.
And I thought that was the end of it.

Oh no.

It was about 2:30 in the morning, I had been asleep already for a few hours and my phone rang.

It was Benje, he had been arrested.

Part Nine

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART nine

Hanging out with Benje every day was wonderful. 

Except that he treated me like a friend.

He always told me I was his best friend, which is a step up, sort of. 

It was difficult for me because if I told him that I was still in love with him I'm sure he would stop hanging out with me. And since I just had nearly two months of experience of not having Benje in my life, I really didn't want that. 

I know...

Get over it Melissa.

Over the next few months there were good things that came out of being 'best friends' with Benje.

For example, since Benje had recently taken over Blue Tango I started helping him out by taking money at the door and other things like set up/take down, etc. I actually really loved doing that. I made lots of new friends and I got to dance more. And dancing more always makes me happy.

Also, his job started cutting back on his hours so he wanted to get a new job.

Guess who's work was hiring? Mine! 

So we started working together there too.

Work was never boring when Benje was around. And because we were such good friends, he was always willing to help me out with anything difficult that needed to be done.

And when he needed a new place to live, I suggested the apartment complex across the street from where I was living. We were friends, he trusted my opinion, so Benje moved in across the street.  

One would think that with all these good things happening while we hung out together he would come around and those old feelings that resurfaced during Christmas would resurface again.

Nope.

See, there were some bad things that came from being 'best friends' with Benje also.

For example, every week I went to Blue Tango to help out Benje. I would sometimes dance with people there when I wasn't busy taking money. But Benje wouldn't dance with me. He told me that he didn't want to give me the wrong impression by dancing with me.

We were just best friends and he didn't want to give me false hope. 

Also, during this time, Benje went to a wedding in Oregon and when he got back we went out to eat and he told me all about the fun times he had, including a girl he met that he made out with one night. And how much he wanted to go back to Oregon to see this girl again.
I was his best friend, he wanted to tell me about these things.

Gag.

Despite the bad things, I did really enjoy the time we spent together. We had fun and got to know each other better than we did when we were actually dating.

But things were about to change, and they were going to get worse before they got better.

Part Eight

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART eight

This time, there were no embarrassing confessions of love, and no awkward meeting the girlfriend moments. 

And that's because Benje stopped talking to me.

He didn't call me back, return my texts, nothing. He did not make effort to stay friends with me like he did during his last relationship. 

I'm sure I could have run into him if I went dancing at BYU or Blue Tango...

but I didn't want to see him with another girl. It was painful. 

So I tried to move on.

I started focusing on school, I began to hang out with friends more, and I did my best to get my flirt on.

But flirting was not as exciting as I remembered it to be.

It wasn't fun or thrilling like it once was. I felt like it was a chore. And I got bored of it really fast.
So, I quit flirting and stuck to school and friends.

Now, it is important to keep in mind that even though I was trying to move on, I was not successful. Part of the reason flirting was so boring was because all I wanted was my Benje back.
So even though I seriously made efforts to leave him behind, it just simply did not work. And it was painful to imagine my life without him.

About a month and a half after Benje started dating this girl and stopped talking to me, I learned that Blue Tango had changed ownership, and that new owner was Benje.
I texted him to offer my congratulations, but he didn't text back.

A few days after that, I was on Facebook and decided to look up Benje, bracing myself for any pain I would feel to see that he was still in a relationship.

But he wasn't.
He was listed as single.
I wondered if it was a mistake, if maybe he had never posted his relationship to begin with.
But it had only changed the day before.

My heart was pounding, I decided to text him.
But he hadn't been speaking to me for nearly two months, and he and his girlfriend just broke up, why would he suddenly want to start talking to me?

Well, I was going to try anyway. I told him that I just saw Facebook and that I was sorry. And I asked if I could offer a distraction by taking him to dinner.

It was probably only about two minutes, but it felt like an hour before my phone lit up.

Yes, he wanted to go to dinner. He was coming to pick me up.

He was bummed at dinner and I tried to seem like I was good-friend-cheerful not I'm-so-happy-you're-single-cheerful.
It must have worked because we started hanging out again.

Every day.

Part Seven

this is a true story...nothing has been altered, abridged, amp-ed up, or otherwise messed with.
this is how it really happened.

PART seven

I was a little more than happy to hear that Benje was single again. 

Of course, I tried to hide that from Benje.

We started to hang out more, going out to eat and see movies...

He was still bummed about the breakup and some other things that were going on at the time, so in attempts to cheer him up, I invited him to my home for Christmas. 

He said yes!

Then Benje had this idea to leave a day earlier than planned and stop by Las Vegas on the way down.  Neither of us had ever been there so we thought it would be fun. 

Which it was.

We walked around a while and then stopped by the Bellagio Fountains.  The fountains were playing some jazzy Christmas music...so we decided to dance.

There was a lot of people oohing and ahhing and taking pictures. 

It's still one of our favorite memories, even though we weren't together at the time.

Benje only stayed in Arizona for a week (I was staying two because a few days after Christmas my brother was getting married...and I like my family) because he needed to get back to work.  Before he left, Benje told me that the old feelings he had for me were resurfacing but he wanted to be fair and so he also told me that there were some other girls back in Utah that he might have some interest in.

That gave me a lot of hope.

Probably more than I should have had. 

After all, he told me there were other girls.

A week went by and I made it back to Provo.

The first day I was back, Benje called me up and wanted to go out to dinner. I told him all about my brother's wedding and other happenings during the week in AZ that he was not there. 

After dinner, we walked out to his car.  Benje opened the door for me, walked around to the driver's side, stopped before getting in, and then walked back around to my side. 

He opened my door, grabbed my hand and before I knew it, he pulled me out and kissed me.

I giggled.

Probably not the right reaction, but I was surprised.

The next day, Benje came over. He told me he wanted to get back together again. He had thought about it while I was still in AZ and had missed me. 

But, we didn't really get to discuss it because I needed to go to school and Benje needed to get to work. He said he would come back after so we could really talk about it.

I was giggling all day long.

He did come back, but not for long because he was asked to teach at the BYU Swing Kids Club happening that night. We didn't really get to talk.

I wanted to go with him. I hadn't been to Swing all of Fall semester because he had been with another girl and blah blah blah. 

But he seemed to be in a rush and he didn't invite me to come along so I stayed home and did homework. 

Oh I wish I had gone with him.

The next day, we went to lunch...

Benje told me all about a girl he met at the Club the night before. 

By the following week, the two of them were dating.